Safari Time: 'A series of challenging acts, for example, ‘slapping a lion and getting away’'

On the morning of the safari we found ourselves again getting up at a time me and Kieran had only heard legends of before we came to Tanzania. Six thirty. Our driver told us later on lions sleep eighteen to twenty hours a day- we were just trying to get into their mindset before we actually saw them.

We were split between two jeeps - seven in each - one of which came to be known ‘The Love Shack’, because of the suspected romance between two of its members (firmly denied by both) and the other the Geek Jeep, or Geep, because we spent quite a bit of the seven hours there working out the odds of said lovers in the other jeep sitting next to each other by chance. (2/21 if you’re interested. In our defence, it was a VERY long journey.)

It's a ZEBRA CROSSING

After another intensely cramped, leg room free journey we arrived at the National Park, Lake Manyara. There was a fair bit of arguing about who got the window seats in the jeep, but as it turned out, the entire roof came off, so this proved to not be an issue. Lake Manyara, though it is becoming less and less of a lake  due to global warming, did look like satisfyingly the set of the Lion King. The first animal we saw was a giraffe right before we’d even entered the park, but this turned out to be the only giraffe we saw.  The first thing we saw on entering was a huge bull elephant eating. Competition was fierce between the two jeeps for the best spaces to see the animals - Kieran took on the role of charioteer for our jeep, telling the Tanzanian driver ‘Just sneak in there pal’ and ‘Quick, he’s moving pal’ and ‘REVERSE REVERSE REVERSE PAL’. Pal’s hopefully common slang in Tanzania, or we really confused that driver.

Shiny little bird

One of many  monkeys

We were all really excited to play Safari Run, a game Rob had invented, and the rules of which I’ll let him explain:

‘Basically, you do a series  of challenging acts, for example, ‘slapping a lion and getting away’, and if you survive the various tasks, you go into the last round, where you dress up in a Meat Suit (sponsored by Lady Gaga) and you’ve gotta run STRAIGHT across the crater without getting eaten. The prize is your life.’

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jonny’s parents. I always thought four limbs was a lot anyway.

Bradley was the eventual winner of Safari Run, but paid dearly. As he told the Primary School children the next day: 

‘Basically right, it was Rob’s turn to run towards an elephant and ride it, however, he did not see the lion lurking closely behind the Geep. As Rob left the Geep the lion ran at him. I, seeing this, leapt to Rob’s aid, wrestling the lion to the floor, so Rob could get back safely in the Geep. The lion however, did not like this and decided to kick my arse until Gaz fearlessly drop-kicked the lion off me. Bleeding, in agony, I stumbled back into the Geep with thanks to Rob. We then turned round to see Gaz running back to the Geep, only to be struck across the stomach by the furious lion. Myself and Rob then pulled Gaz back onto the Geep, where Kieran was on hand with Kevin’s cap and orange t-shirt (previously thought to have been stolen by small African child) and a very very rusty nail, which was holding the spare tyre onto the Geep, to stitch Gaz’s wound back up.’

In the primary school next day, with Bradley’s unfortunate skin problems and Gaz’s appendicitis scar, they were treated as gods.

Everybody at the picnic area

We got right up next to a group of elephants, and worried though we were they’d charge us, it was amazing to see them in their natural habitat just going about their business (or as natural as they could be with a load of tourists staring at them). Monkeys were practically everywhere, and seemed to get on really well with the zebras. Other than that there were birds all over the place, antelope and impala and we also took a visit to the hippo pool, where we got out for a closer look.

After the first day of the Safari we went to a hostel to stay for the night. We were all thrilled to find hot showers and comfy beds. Except for Joe, he’d had a cold shower not knowing the electricity would come on just minutes after he stepped out, but ah well.

On the second day we woke up at an hour me and Kieran had only had nightmares about (five o’clock) travelled to the Ngorogoro crater, an extinct volcano turned Safari Park. One member of the Geep (who will not be named) unfortunately had to evacuate the jeep due to ‘Delhi Belly’, risking life, limb, hefty fines and baboon attacks to relieve themself. ‘Thank God for dock leaves’ they later said ‘I’m just like Bear Grylls’.

It was absolutely freezing in the crater, and somehow (I don’t understand either) I managed to forget my jumper, so it was a chilly day for me. The first animals we saw were ostriches, buffalo, hyena, and soon rolled up next to a hippo pool.  The hippos looked thoroughly hungover. Next we came to a pride of lions, who must have been at the same rave as the hippos, because they looked like they were still recovering from a heavy night too.

'Don't talk to me.'

Unfortunately we then had to make a detour due to the, um, unstable bowels of the previously mentioned Geep member. We sped off across the crater at top speed. It felt like an action film with a really terrible plot. ‘One man. One toilet. Three thousand Wildebeest. This is: ERUPTION IN THE NGOROGORO CRATER’

A small section of the wildebeest herd

Back on the real Safari, we saw a HUGE herd of wildebeest, and were thrilled to see - as British citizens - that they were queuing, but we had no idea why. We spotted a few queuejumpers, and we’re going to be writing some very strongly worded letters to the wildebeest council.

We stopped to eat by a pool full of hippos (‘Last night was a shocker’ their eyes seemed to say) and just as we were settling down by a tree to eat our packed lunches, were attacked by a hawk that swooped down and nicked Kieran’s chicken from his hand. We escaped narrowly with our Rich Tea Biscuits.

If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Leaving the crater, across the plains, we saw a lone elephant kicking up dust. It slowly began to walk towards us. We stood in silence on the jeep in awe at the wonders of nature. Then as it got closer we saw it appeared to have five legs, if you know what I mean. Think about it. Anyway, it walked right past our jeep, incredibly close.  On the other side of the jeep, when we turned around, we witnessed a pack of hyenas attacking a herd of zebra, remarkable even from a great distance.

Finally we came to the end of the Safari, and the roof went back on. We got a final bit of wildlife though when a baboon climbed in through the driver’s window and robbed our biscuits.

The Offending Hawk

‘Get it, Rob!’ said Dan.
‘What did you want me to do with it?’
‘Hit it or something’
‘Dan, I’m not going to hit a monkey.’
‘...yeah, you’re right’

It was just like Knowsley Safari Park. Or maybe it’s the other way round.

To sum up, it was like Andrew said- ‘Heaven. This is what Heaven looks like.’